It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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