In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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