I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I wear drunk well.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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