Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
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They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
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Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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