Your mouth is God's brothel.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
