That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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