Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
