I met the friendliest cop last night
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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