well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize