I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
