Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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