Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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