Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize