You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
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i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
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It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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