She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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