I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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