is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
