this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
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Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
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you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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