My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
