so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
