I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
