im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
