Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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