What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
