gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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