Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
