A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
