yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
