I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The cops high fived after they tackled you
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
