WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
