I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
