I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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