I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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