You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
