mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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