cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
