I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My vagina just recognized that song.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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