I'm lost and stupid without you.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
