dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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