Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
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I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
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i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.