A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
