Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
