you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
