My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
