my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
