Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
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believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
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I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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