Can i not drive my cunt home
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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