Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
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Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
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Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
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