Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
