The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...