just tell him i said nine months
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
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Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins