I just threw up on my dentist
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Randomize
