Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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