tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
