chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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