After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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