meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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